Tuesday, June 9, 2020

The Music Man (Warner Bros., 1962)

by Mark Gabrish Conlan • Copyright © 2020 by Mark Gabrish Conlan • All rights reserved

Charles and I watched the 1962 film The Music Man on Turner Classic Movies (in, blessedly, a letterboxed print). I hadn’t seen it since the 1960’s but I was surprised at how much I remembered — and how much more I “got” now that I’m more familiar with the culture of the period (1912) when it takes place (enough to get that some of the references were actually 1920’s phenomena that were anachronistic for the specified setting). Directed by Morton “Tec” da Costa (a stage director — his only film credits, as far as I know, are this and Auntie Mame, both of which he had previously directed on Broadway) and starring Robert Preston (repeating his role from the stage version after Cary Grant had turned it down — as he would likewise turn down My Fair Lady two years later in favor of the man who created that part on stage, Rex Harrison), it’s a not particularly stylish filming but it does reproduce a finely wrought stage piece and Preston’s overwhelming performance, and Shirley Jones is nice as the ingenue even though this must have been a dèja-vu experience to be stuck back in this kind of role two years after winning the Academy Award for playing a prostitute in Elmer Gantry. What’s strongest about The Music Man is the precision of Meredith Willson’s original piece — the smoothness with which the numbers are integrated into the action and the clever mixture of sentiment and grit (the opening “Rock Island” rap number is superb; not only does it mix speech and song engagingly, it also gives us a lot of exposition and all the backstory we need) throughout the whole piece — even if Ron[ny] Howard’s performance as the little kid (a role Willson said was based on his own boyhood) gets a bit too sticky at times (and his well-showcased inability to sing gets very wearing). While one could easily imagine a more creative, more stylish filmization of this show (imagine it with Vincente Minnelli directing and Fred Astaire and Judy Garland in the leads!), the film we have of The Music Man does a good job of reproducing the stage play and capturing the quirky Meredith Willson humor — and Shirley Jones’ singing is quite nice even though her singing and speaking voices sound so little like each other she sounds like she has a voice double even though she doesn’t! — 3/20/99

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Last night’s “feature” was The Music Man, a 1962 Warner Bros. production based on Meredith Willson’s nostalgic musical set in the fictitious “River City, Iowa” but inspired by Willson’s own boyhood in the real (and mentioned in the score in a list of Iowa towns that also included Bix Beiderbecke’s birthplace, Davenport — well, you didn’t think I could write a blog post about a musical set in Iowa in 1912 and not mention Bix, did you?) Mason City and inspired by a traveling music teacher who had come to town during Willson’s boyhood. I remember not only that I saw this movie in a theatre when it was new (remember movie theatres?) but that my mom had the soundtrack album, whose liner notes were by Willson himself. In them he took pride that he and Frank Loesser were the only two people who had written entire Broadway musicals —book, lyrics and music — that had become hits. He also recalled his boyhood amazement that someone who played the flute was called a “flautist” — he thought a “flautist” should be someone who played the “flaut,” only there is no such thing. The Music Man premiered on Broadway in 1957 with Robert Preston as Professor Harold Hill, a traveling con man who does a boys’ band scam in small town (collecting money for instruments, band uniforms and instruction books, then getting out of town with his ill-gotten gains) and Barbara Cook as Marian Paroo (what sort of last name is that? It certainly doesn’t sound Irish, which Marian and her mom, played by the great comedienne Pert Kelton are supposed to be), the town librarian, with whom he has one of those hate-at-first-sight courtships that of course blossoms into true love. 

The show opens with “Rock Island,” set on a train going from Illinois through Iowa, in which a group of traveling salesmen are talking about the horrible Professor Harold Hill and how con artists like him are ruining the prospects for genuine salesmen like himself — and the whole number is in cadenced speech, with the sounds of the actual train cued in to match the rhythms of the song. With my dedication to exposing instances of what I call “first-itis” — the tendency of biographers in all media to proclaim that the people they’re biographing were the first people to do something when they weren’t — just after “Rock Island” ended I told Charles, “So much for the myth that Lin-Manuel Miranda’s Hamilton was the first rap musical.” Indeed, stuck with a highly charismatic performer in the lead but one without that much of a singing voice, Willson made Robert Preston’s big numbers on the same cusp between singing and rapping as Alan Jay Lerner and Frederick Loewe had with Rex Harrison’s big numbers in My Fair Lady (and would do again with Richard Burton in Camelot) — and Irving Berlin had done in the 1929 movie Hallelujah! in which the male lead — Daniel Haynes, playing a Black revival preacher in the South — shaded over from spoken sermonizing into rapping and then all-out singing of Berlin’s big song, “Waiting at the End of the Road.” Preston had had a strange career trajectory; he had got a big star buildup from Paramount in the early 1940’s that got short-circuited by the 1942 film This Gun for Hire, in which Preston played an undercover cop who goes after a hired killer. The film was a huge hit, but it was stolen out from under Preston by Alan Ladd, who played the hired killer — so it was Ladd who got the big star buildup and Preston who retreated to Broadway and remained mostly a stage performer until his unexpected movie comeback as the Gay director of the drag show featuring Julie Andrews as a woman playing a man playing a woman in 1982’s Victor/Victoria. 

Preston was so obviously “right” for the role it seems strange that Warner Bros. considered using someone else in the lead — among the people they offered it to were Frank Sinatra, Dan Dailey and Cary Grant, who reportedly told Jack Warner, “Not only will I not play in The Music Man, but if you cast anyone other than Robert Preston I won’t even go see it.” (He reportedly made a similar threat in 1964 when Jack Warner, who apparently hadn’t learned his lesson, offered Grant the role of Professor Henry Higgins in the film of Rex Harrison’s great stage vehicle My Fair Lady.) Jack Warner did recast the female lead with Shirley Jones, thinking Barbara Cook had been almost exclusively a stage star and he wanted someone with movie “cred” — and Jones had it in spades, having played similar roles in the films of Rodgers and Hammerstein’s Oklahoma! and Carousel (as Charles pointed out, in those films as well as in The Music Man Jones played women in love with abusive men — and from what I’ve heard of Jones’ real-life marriages to Jack Cassidy and Marty Ingels, her actual husbands weren’t much better) and having won the Best Supporting Actress Academy Award for her anti-type casting as a prostitute in Elmer Gantry. The imdb.com “Trivia” posters noted that Jones nailed the part well enough that the film didn’t run into critical brickbats from outraged Barbara Cook partisans the way My Fair Lady did when Jack Warner took the female lead from Julie Andrews and gave it to Audrey Hepburn — though no doubt it helped that Jones could really sing whereas, after Hepburn recorded two My Fair Lady songs, Warner decided her voice wasn’t good enough and brought in Marni Nixon to dub her. (Oddly, though it’s really Shirley Jones’ voice throughout, her pitch when she sang was discernibly lower than when she spoke. It’s noticeable throughout the movie and in her later TV series The Partridge Family as well.) 

The Music Man is a start-to-finish delight; it’s true one could nit-pick it to death for the anachronisms (it’s supposed to be set in 1912 but much of the music was played with the loping swing sound more characteristic of the 1920’s or 1930’s, though some imdb.com posters got details wrong — there are cars in the movie, uneasily sharing the streets with horse-drawn carriages, and in one sequence to a song called ‘Pick a Little, Talk a Little” Willson compares gossiping women to clucking chickens and director Morton DaCosta cuts between the women and a flock of actual chickens, then back — one imdb.com contributor called this a fantasy sequence but it was a simple cut, and in a rural town like River City, Iowa in 1912 it would not have been an uncommon sight to see farm animals in the streets) and for Robert Preston’s overbearing performance: it’s great for the larger-than-life character be’s playing her but one can tell why he never became a movie star. But I was blown away by this movie when I saw it as a kid and I still am — especially since now I “got” references like Hill’s hope in the song “The Sadder but Wiser Girl” for “Hester to win just one more ‘A’” which had sailed over my head at age eight. Though the color isn’t as vivid or neon-bright as three-strip Technicolor was in its 1940’s heyday, it’s still rich and a far cry from the dirty greens and browns that dominate most films today, and the winning sincerity of Shirley Jones and the just-kidding cheekiness of Robert Preston’s con-man performance (this is probably the best film made about con artists between the W. C. Fields vehicles of the 1930’s and The Sting in the 1970’s) along with a rich supporting cast full of old-line character actors (notably Hermione Gingold, who plays the wife of the mayor of River City and who makes a great effect when, as one of the do-gooder matrons upbraiding Marian for making “dirty books” by people like Chaucer, Rabelais and Baizac, she majestically intones the last name as “BALLS-ac”) as well as Buddy Hackett (playing an old friend of Hill’s who’s settled in River City and a legit job as a blacksmith’s assistant until Hill drafts him to help his “con”) doing a number called “Shipoopi” about girls who won’t let boys kiss them until the third date (it was supposedly 192 slang but Willson actually made it up) and looking even more than usual like Lou Costello. (In 1954 Hackett filled in for an ailing Costello in a film called Fireman, Save My Child, and in 1978 he played Costello in a TV-movie biopic, Bud and Lou.) 

About the only thing about this movie that bothers me is the ending, in which the boys of River City save Hill’s bacon by staging a band practice in which they play a predictably awful but still within hailing distance of music rendition of Beethoven’s “Minuet in G.” The film then dissolves into shots of a real marching band — actually an all-star ensemble of the various top L.A.-area college bands of the period — marching through River City and playing an impeccable version of the show’s big hit, “76 Trombones,” as DaCosta cuts to the principals of the movie and runs titles under their images identifying them. Given that the kids have had utterly no training on their instruments beyond Hill leading them in group sings, and in particular they’d have had no way of knowing that you can’t get a brass instrument to sound in pitch just by blowing through it (you have to make a “razzberry” noise to get the horn to vibrate), it seems to me that the only way they could possibly have played the Minuet in G even passably well was if Marian, who moonlights as a piano teacher at night and is therefore the only person in town with a clue about music and how to teach people to play it, and I would have liked to see a scene in which she smiled at Hill as it dawned on him that she had saved Hill’s reputation by secretly teaching the boys the basics. The script for The Music Man has some intriguing credits: the credits are Frederick Lacey and Marion Hargrove, the latter of whom wrote See Here, Private Hargrove about his experiences as a World War II draftee — it and his immediate sequel, What Now, Corporal Hargrove?, got made into movies in the 1940’s with Robert Walker playing him — and these credits and his real-life small-town background made him one of Hollywood’s go-to guys for stories about small towns. 

The director, Morton DaCosta, has only four film credits on imdb.com and was primarily a stage director — though when Rosalind Russell agreed to repeat her stage role in Auntie Mame on film she insisted that DaCosta, who’d directed her on stage, make the movie as well. In Auntie Mame DaCosta — whom Russell nicknamed “Tec” because she thought he was especially good at the technical aspects of directing — punctuated the movie with asides from Mame commenting on the action, filmed as iris shots with Russell’s face spotlit in a circular close-up against an otherwise all-black screen. He used this technique again, albeit more sparingly, in The Music Man as well — notably in the sequence in which the local barbershop quartet (played by a real quartet called the Buffalo Bills) and Shirley Jones sing two songs simultaneously in counterpoint for a haunting effect in both sight and sound. (The only other director I can think of who used an iris shot in a sound film is Orson Welles, at the end of the snow scene in The Magnificent Ambersons.) There are lot of really weird, quirky stories about The Music Man — including that Shirley Jones was pregnant with her second son, Patrick Cassidy, while she was making it, and while DaCosta insisted he could cover for her Robert Preston noticed when he embraced her for their big love scene and the young, as yet unborn Patrick kicked him in the stomach. (Years later Preston visited a theatre that was doing a stage revival of The Music Man in which Shirley Jones was playing the mother of her character here — and Patrick Cassidy was the star.) And of course I couldn’t help but make a few jokes about the subsequent fates of some of the actors: when Ronny Howard as Marian’s lisping and much younger brother Winthrop begged off from a picnic date with Amaryllis (Monique Vermont), I joked he’d tell her, “I’m going to a picture show — and some day I’m going to direct them!” And when Marian’s mother was badgering her to get married, I thought she could have told her, “Actually I had a dream in which I did get married, and had five kids — and then he died and the kids and I had to start a singing group to make ends meet!” — 6/9/20

Monday, June 8, 2020

Is My Daughter Really Dead? (Dawn’s Light, Residue Remains Productions, MarVista Entertainment, 2019)

by Mark Gabrish Conlan • Copyright © 2020 by Mark Gabrish Conlan • All rights reserved

Charles and I watched last night’s Lifetime movie, which was billed as a “Premiere” even though the copyright date was 2019 rather than 2020 and it’s been out long enough imdb.com not only had a page on it (which they hadn’t for the previous night’s Lifetime movie, Psycho Yoga Instructor) but the page contained a review from someone who’d never heard the term “gaslighting” before and didn’t realize it had nothing to do with actually burning anything down. The film is called Is My Daughter Really Dead? and centers around the Whitmore family: husband Layne (Matthew Pohlkamp), wife Olivia (Zoë McClellan), and teenage daughter Hannah (Stevie Lynn Jones). The husband has some sort of well-paying job, though writers Colin Edward Lawrence (who also directed) and Erin Murphy West never bother to tell us what it is, and he’s put up the seed capital for his wife to open an art gallery. They were formerly living in Seattle but have since moved to the more rural town in Washington state where Layne grew up to try to save their marriage. Their marriage is on the rocks because Layne had an affair with another woman —Lawrence and West don’t tell us who until the film is almost over, but Charles guessed her identity almost immediately and the filmmakers ultimately took their story exactly where he’d said they would.

For the first half-hour Is My Daughter Really Dead? is actually a surprisingly good movie about the breakup of a marriage and the bitterness of daughter Hannah, who clearly always liked her dad better than her mom, over the way mom has sent her packing. Hannah only gets more bitter when her dad is killed in a car crash — at least that’s what she, her mom and we are told — and she’s clearly blaming her mom for her dad’s death. Just then an African-American single mom, Mary Cooper (Stephanie Charles), and her daughter Sydney (Ryan Madison), move in next door and the plot really begins to boil. The Coopers invite Olivia and Hannah to join them on a weekend camping trip; Olivia begs off because she has to get her gallery ready for its grand opening, but Hannah goes — only when Olivia tries to call her daughter during the weekend her calls go straight to voicemail, and when the Coopers return they tell Olivia they took the trip alone after Hannah didn’t show. Olivia tries to report her daughter to the police as missing but the detective she tries to report it to, Bruce Chambers (Chris Dougherty), takes her not to the police station but to the live-work space of his wife, therapist Lisa Chambers (Samantha Colburn), who tells Olivia she missed their therapy appointment. Olivia protests that it’s her daughter who had the appointment, not her, but Lisa not only insists on seeing Olivia professionally, she tells her both her ex-husband and their daughter were killed in the car crash and she’s having a serious case of dissociation over her denial that her daughter is dead.

A frantic Olivia looks for proof that Hannah is still alive — or at least was after her husband was killed — and her only allies are Jack Daly (Mike Erwin), an artist who was exhibiting at her gallery and was attracted to her romantically (Layne accused Olivia of having an affair with Jack, obviously to defend himself against her charges of infidelity; they weren’t, but it increased his bitterness against his wife); and Genevieve, a caterer Olivia had hired to provide food for her gallery opening and saw Hannah alive after her dad died when she went to the gallery to present Olivia her bill — only as soon as Genevieve calls Olivia to tell her she’ll be willing to tell the cops she saw Hannah after her dad’s accident, a mysterious stranger in a black hoodie and gloves (so you can’t tell what gender or race they are) stabs her, presumably to death, though we don’t see the body afterwards and are never told whether the police recovered it. The climax occurs when Olivia thinks of looking for Hannah at her ex-husband’s cabin outside Seattle — not another Lifetime movie whose climax takes place at a mountain cabin! And at least this one has cell-phone reception (previously Lifetime writers set their climaxes at mountain cabins so the characters would be out of cell-phone range and therefore couldn’t call the police) — where Olivia has gone but made the mistake of asking Mary Cooper to drive her. Spoiler alert [though Charles had guessed it almost an hour and a half’s worth of running time earlier, no fool he) Mary Cooper is the woman her husband was having an affair with. What’s more, Layne Whitmore didn’t die at all — the body was burned beyond recognition and was actually that of a hitchhiker he’d picked up along the way — and once Layne crawled out from under the wreckage of his car he hatched a plot to hide himself and Hannah at the cabin and enlist the aid of Mary, Bruce and Lisa to make it look like Olivia was crazy and get her incarcerated in a mental institution. Only now that Olivia has seen him alive, he and Mary determine they’ll have to kill her and kill Hannah for good measure — even though Layne’s original purpose was to drive his wife crazy so his daughter would accept Mary Cooper as her new mom.

Bruce Chambers — who is, after all, a police officer — shoots both Layne and Mary, leaving Hannah back with her mom, Sydney (who wasn’t a part of her mother’s machinations, though mom did get her to lie that Hannah hadn’t been on their camping trip) back in Seattle with an aunt willing to raise her, Bruce and Lisa Chambers in prison (presumably awaiting trial for conspiracy to commit murder) and Olivia and Jack sucking face in the gallery in a postlude set “Four Months Later.” Though the script for this movie specifically used the term “gaslighting” — which comes from the two film versions of Patrick Hamilton’s play Angel Street, in 1939 in Britain with Diana Wynyard and Anton Walbrook and far more famously five years later in Hollywood with Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer, about a woman wooed and then deliberately driven crazy by a husband who married her only to get the fortune in stolen merchandise hidden in her house — the plot against Olivia involves so many people it seemed more like Alfred Hitchcock’s 1938 film The Lady Vanishes than like Gaslight to me. Is My Daughter Really Dead? is an example of a Lifetime film that’s really trying to be above the channel’s norm, but the “surprise” twists are too obvious and Lawrence really isn’t a good enough suspense director to make a story like this work as well as Hitchcock or Gaslight director George Cukor did. Indeed, though this was a more “respectable” production and quite a bit better cast (though one wonders why casting director Ricki Master picked three actors for the male leads who look quite a bit alike), Psycho Yoga Instructor was better fun even though (or maybe because) it was so much sleazier!

Sunday, June 7, 2020

Psycho Yoga Instructor (Johnny Bravo, Exit 19 Productions, Strike Accord, Lifetime, 2020)

by Mark Gabrish Conlan • Copyright © 2020 by Mark Gabrish Conlan • All rights reserved

At 8 last night I watched a Lifetime movie whose title seemed to be the result of a brainstorming session among Lifetime’s regular writers to come up with the absolutely silliest possible title for a Lifetime movie: Psycho Yoga Instructor. It was written by Robert Black and directed by Brian Herzlinger, who apparently has enough of a reputation that he gets a possessory credit (“A Brian Herzlinger Film”) and Panos Vlahos (which sounds like something you’d order at a Greek restaurant), who plays the title role, gave a comment on one of the Web sites I looked up for information about this film to the effect that he was really looking forward to the chance to work with such a well-regarded director. What Black and Herzlinger came up with was a so totally by-the-numbers Lifetime thriller you could practically write it yourself: Justine “Jessie” Grace (Ashley Wood, top-billed) is a schoolteacher facing the ennui of her summer break. She’s unhappily married to attorney Tom Grace (Brady Smith), who’s so busy that he’s often going out of town, and even on the rare occasions when he is in town he’s set up a home office in their house so he can work from home, which he does so far into the wee hours he sleeps far more often at his office chair or on the couch he’s equipped the home office with than in the bed he nominally shares with his wife. 

The other big flash point in their relationship is their inability to have children — we’re eventually told the biological problem is his, not hers — which has led them to a frustrating round of calling adoption agencies and even picking out potential adoptees, only to have the agency personnel tell them that for whatever unspecified but unappealable criteria they use, they’ve deemed the Graces an unsuitable “match” for the baby they were ready to adopt and raise. (The near-fascistic attitudes of adoption agencies towards prospective parents — as well as the very real dangers to the children involved if an agency guesses wrong — are the stuff of quite a few movies in this genre, and some real-life situations as well: Joan Crawford couldn’t pass the parental suitability tests of the above-board adoption agencies of her time, and so she got her four kids through bootleg child brokers.) The combination of an absent husband and the collapse of her plan to adopt leaves Justine devastated, so her best friend Ginnie (Lily Rains) suggests she start taking yoga classes as a way of getting more centered and getting her mind off the traumas in her life.  So she does that, only she makes the mistake of enrolling in a class led by Mr. Psycho Yoga Instructor himself. 

His name is Domenic Romero (Panos Vlahos) — at least that’s the name he’s using now — and his schtick, as we learn eventually (very eventually — the film is half over before Domenic does anything that even looks vaguely psycho and it’s only at the three-quarter mark that we get the definitive evidence that he’s dangerous and out to menace and quite possibly do in Our Heroine), is to fasten on an unhappily married woman in his class, offer her private instruction, romance and seduce her, get her to leave her husband for him, and then at best abandon her and at worst kill her. We see him fulfill this pattern with Justine to the point of giving her “private” training at her home (one of their sessions is interrupted by the sudden return of her husband, who on this of all days decided he was going to swing home and eat lunch there instead of a restaurant or in his workplace office) and kissing her, though writer Black makes sure the only reason good little Justine was even tempted to have an affair with Domenic the Psycho Yoga Instructor was she thought her husband was cheating on her, via a phone message from a woman identified only as “S.” which she spotted on his phone. It turns out “S.” was merely a woman named Stephanie who runs an adoption agency that competes with the one that’s already rejected the Graces and whom Tom was sounding out for a potential child for them, but in the meantime the damage has been done and that one kiss has convinced Domenic that he and Justine are soulmates and he’ll literally do anything to possess her — or to kill her if he can’t. 

Since the film has featured a number of nightmares Justine has had in her bed (especially during all those lonely nights she’s had to sleep in it alone even though she’s not only at least nominally married but her husband is at least there in the house!) in which she drowns — she’s been having them even before she started taking yoga and met Domenic and she has another one afterwards in which she and Domenic are having hot sex on the bathroom counter while her husband desperately struggles to get out of the tub where he’s drowning (the only soft-core porn scene we get since Black stresses that she and Domenic never actually do the down-’n’-dirty with each other — thereby denying himself a much more potentially powerful dramatic issue than the ones he actually used, more on that later) — of course the desperate climax happens in the bathroom, where Domenic is holding a knife to Justine’s neck and threatening to kill her if she doesn’t agree to love him and leave her husband for him. Eventually Justine escapes long enough for the cops — summoned by Lily, who researched Domenic’s background online and found his real name was Sebastian Nikos but he’s worked under several aliases, in one of which he called himself “Elijah” and ruined the life of a woman who confronts him in his class session (alas not one Justine is attending!) and tells him (and us) she left her husband and children to be with him, and then he rejected her and fled. 

Justine’s life is saved, she and Tom reconcile and he tells her that it looks like that mysterious adoption agency called “S.” has actually found them a suitable child and will let them become parents at long last. Unfortunately, Black decided to end the film with one of those maddening Lifetime endings in which Domenic, Sebastian, Elijah or whatever his name is escapes and sets up shop in another town, where he’s heard going through the same moth-eaten spiels he was using on Justine’s class at the beginning. Where I had thought this was going was that Domenic and Justine actually would have sex together and he’d get her pregnant — thereby leaving both her and Tom in a horrible dilemma: abort the child after they’ve been hoping for one for so long, or raise it as their own and leave Tom with the long-term knowledge that the only way he was able to become a father was for his wife to have an affair and he’s raising someone else’s baby but not in the way he had anticipated and hoped for. And of course they’d also be worried that their child would inherit the psychopathologies of his or her real dad. 

One other thing that disappointed me about Psycho Yoga Instructor was that there was virtually no background about Domenic’s character, no indication of what made him “run,” no hints of ghastly happenings in his childhood that shaped him into becoming the monster he was. Christine Conradt would have given us something to explain him and maybe even make us feel a little sorry for him — I like dramatic ambiguity and I also think it’s good storytelling to give your villain some minor human qualities that make him quasi-likable so when he does go off the rails and start doing evil things, it’s more of a shock. It’s also curious that this film’s casting director picked (or got stuck with) two not very attractive people for both the male leads: instead of the tall, lanky, sandy-haired type Lifetime usually hires to play the innocent milquetoast husbands, Brady Smith is built like a linebacker and has the sort of face that makes him look like he worked his way through law school by prizefighting and did that about a year or two too long. And Panos Vlahos looks appropriately sexy at first but ultimately he seems just too disheveled and seedy to attract the sort of bored women in unhappy marriages we’re told are his “type.” The film was shot under the working title The Perfect Pose — a marvelous play on words (“pose” meaning a yoga position and also the false identity Domenic assumes to go after his female prey), but time and time again the mavens at Lifetime have changed an ironic and compelling title to one that makes it all too plain and obvious what the movie is about.

Saturday, June 6, 2020

I Love You, Man (Paramount, DreamWorks, De Line Pictures, Bernard Gale Productions, 2009)

by Mark Gabrish Conlan • Copyright © 2020 by Mark Gabrish Conlan • All rights reserved

Last Friday night my husband Charles came home unexpectedly early from work last night and I took advantage by running a movie, I Love You, Man, a 2009 comedy starring Paul Rudd and Jason Segal five years after Rudd’s star-making turn in a film called The 40-Year-Old Virgin. This time Rudd’s character, real-estate broker Peter Klaven, doesn’t have any trouble attracting (or bedding) women — he’s gone through a series of girlfriends before finally getting “serious” with Zooey Rice (Rashida Jones), to the point of proposing to her and booking the resort where they first had sex (only oral, since she was having her period at the time —one of the bits of way too much information writers John Hamburg, who also directed, and Larry Levin feel obliged to give us about the characters’ sex lives). He proposed to Zooey (whose name I imagined throughout the movie was given the classier spelling “Zoë” — and let’s face it, Rashida Jones looks more like a Zoë than a Zooey) on the site of a real-estate development he wants to build as soon as he gets the money for it with his commission on selling “the Ferrigno house.” 

“As in Lou Ferrigno?” I wondered — and not only is it a reference to Lou Ferrigno’s house (though I suspect what we actually see is the famous Richard Neutra house in Hollywood commissioned by and built for director Josef von Sternberg, though when his career fell on hard times he was forced to sell it and the buyer, Ayn Rand, typically told people she had commissioned it and it had been built especially for her), but Ferrigno is actually in this movie playing himself. What kicks off the plot of this film is that, though Peter has a fiancée, a wedding date and a family consisting of dad Oswald (J. K. Simmons, whom I knew as police psychiatrist Dr. Emil Skoda from the original Law and Order), mom (Jane Curtin from the original cast of Saturday Night Live) and Gay brother Robbie (played by one of the film’s producers, Andy Samberg, after the actor they originally got proved so unsatisfactory they fired him during the first week of production), whom dad always said he liked best (apparently dad is a good enough liberal he makes a big show of accepting his Gay son while his straight son gets lost in the shuffle). At least Robbie, unlike virtually all movie Gay men, is seen in romantic or sexual situations with other men; he explains to Peter that in his job as a physical fitness trainer, he likes to cruise his straight clients because “they’re more of a challenge” (and indeed we see one such man apparently reciprocating Robbie’s flirting). 

But with his wedding date coming up quickly Peter realizes with a start that he doesn’t have any close male friends he can ask to be his best man, so he sets about looking for one. Most of I Love You, Man is a one-joke movie, but the one joke is reasonably funny and sometimes hits surprisingly close to home. The one joke is that Peter’s attempts to find a male best friend — even though a best friend is all he’s interested in — comes off surprisingly like a courtship ritual: the anxieties of meeting someone for the first time, of wondering whether it’s too soon to call him again and waiting for him to call you, the dreary attempts at dates, the disappointments (one of Peter’s friend-dates turns out to be an 89-year-old man named Mel Stein, played by Murray Gershenz, and when he confesses he used a somewhat younger photo for his Internet profile we wonder how much younger and whether the original was on daguerreotype or tintype), the misunderstandings — one O.K. date is with a man named Doug (Thomas Lennon, who played the basketball coach in the Zac Efron vehicle 17 Again, another silly movie from the backlog I ran because I wanted a respite from all the depressing news stories), who ends the evening by planting a big fat kiss on Peter’s mouth. It seems Doug really is Gay, thought that Peter was too, and is disappointed when Peter breaks off their budding relationship — so much so that when he runs into Peter and the new-best-friend he finally ends up with, Doug assumes he’s Peter’s new boyfriend and says, “I just wish I could take back that kiss … because now I know it was the taste of betrayal. … It was the taste of betrayal … you fucking whore!” (Now, how much you want to bet that Doug ends up with Peter’s genuinely Gay brother Robbie by the end of the movie? Yup, that was a plot twist I saw coming from 100 miles away.) 

The new-best-friend Peter finally ends up with is Sydney Fife (Jason Segal), whose card says he’s an investment counselor — which could mean anything from he’s super-rich but likes to slum it to he’s a bottom-feeding wanna-be with delusions of making tons of money in the market — and whom Peter meets (meets-cute, really) when Sydney shows up for an open house he’s showing at the Neutra-Sternberg-Rand-Ferrigno place just to sample the hors d’oeuvres. Also in the dramatis personae are Zooey’s best friends Hailey (Sarah Burns), who’s single and man-hungry; and Denise (Jaime Pressly), who’s platinum-haired and married to a boor named Barry who decides to help Peter learn male-bonding by inviting him to his weekly poker night (shades of A Streetcar Named Desire, for which Tennessee Williams’ working title was actually The Poker Night!). Barry, Peter and the other players end up in a beer-drinking contest (one wonders if straight guys who party together always end up acting like such total boors) to see who can drink the most mugs in one swallow, and Peter seems to have “won” when he suddenly heaves and projectile-vomits all over Barry’s suit-clad chest. So the writers can cross off the obligatory puke scene for a modern-day comedy — just as they crossed off the obligatory fart scene at the open house when Sydney spotted a young straight couple who were there to dream about buying a house they couldn’t possibly afford and he notices the male half of this couple clenching his ass cheeks under his white pants trying to repress it. (This is one of the main reasons I generally don’t like modern-day comedies and yearn for the days of Chaplin, Keaton, Lloyd, Fields, Laurel and Hardy and the Marx Brothers, who could make us laugh without resorting to gross depictions of involuntary bodily functions.)

Nonetheless, Peter and Sydney become best buds largely because Sydney breaks down Peter’s inhibitions; they bond over a common love of the music of Rush (it had to be a band that was still working together and could be signed to appear in the film — which they do, at an impromptu bar concert Sydney gets an invite to and brings Peter and Zooey; the two guys start singing along with the band while Zooey couldn’t be more bored — without asking for stratospheric fees that would have broken the budget Paramount and DreamWorks assigned to this film) and a fun-loving spirit that leads them to do taco dates and drives down Muscle Beach (and we’re supposed to think Peter doesn’t want people to think he’s Gay?) and other movie indicia that Sydney is breaking down his inhibitions and giving him a sense of fun. Meanwhile, Peter’s offensive co-worker Tevin Downey (Rob Huebel) tries to horn in on the Ferrigno house and grab half of Peter’s potential commission, and he boasts that he’s a more credible real-estate salesperson because he’s advertised himself everywhere, even on cakes of toilet-bowl sanitizers — somehow he thinks he can sell more houses if people remember him as a guy whose picture they’ve peed on. (So the writers can check off urination along with vomiting and passing gas as one of the supposedly “funny” ingredients modern-day film comedy makers for some reason think are obligatory.) So Sydney asks to “borrow” $8,000 from Peter and says he needs it for an “investment,” but what he really uses it for is a series of ridiculously tasteless billboards depicting Peter as a beach-blanket stud and as James Bond — and these have the same effect on Peter as the shot of Jack Benny’s attorney character stealing candy from a baby in the 1942 “B” The Meanest Man in the World (a film which could have been a masterpiece if it had had an “A” budget and Preston Sturges as director) had on his career: the big-money offers keep coming in and he easily sells the Ferrigno house and gets the big commission he needed to start his development project. (Ya remember his development project?) 

At one point Sydney embarrasses Peter and nearly breaks up him and Zooey by giving explicit details of Peter’s and Zooey’s sex life Peter told Sydney thinking they’d be kept confidential, but by the time the film is over Peter and Zooey have reconciled, as have Peter and Sydney, and the wedding goes off as planned (though I must say I could have wished they could have turned it into a double wedding and married off Robbie and Doug as well! It’s the romantic in me). Throughout much of I Love You, Man I saw it as a screwball comedy in modern drag, and wondered how it might have been done in the 1930’s with Ralph Bellamy as Peter, Carole Lombard as Zooey and Cary Grant as Sydney — though in that version Zooey would have decided Peter was terminally boring and would have run off with Sydney at the end!

Friday, June 5, 2020

March of the Penguins (National Georgraphic Films, Bonne Pioche, Wild Bunch, Warner Bros., 2005)

by Mark Gabrish Conlan • Copyright © 2020 by Mark Gabrish Conlan • All rights reserved

I screened Charles the DVD of the 2005 documentary March of the Penguins. This was a documentary about the elaborate process the emperor penguins of Antarctica have to go through to reproduce — they have to walk across 70 miles of ice from the shores of Antarctica (where they usually live since they need to be near water so they can dive into the water and catch the fish and krill they survive by eating), where they set up what amounts to a giant cruise bar for penguins. A male penguin and a female penguin hook up, they have sex, and the female lays an egg which for some evolutionary reason I can’t fathom she then has to shove into the body cavity of the male, where it spends about four months before the male hatches it (so emperor penguins are one species in which it’s the males that give birth!) while the females walk back the 70 miles to their original home by the sea (which is now a few miles more distant because there’s more of an ice cover over the salt water)a and eat enough fish not only for themselves but also to take back to the Penguin Cruise Bar and feed it to their newborn young.

March of the Penguins, made by a French crew in Terre Adélie (part of the section of Antarctica administratively assigned to France) and directed by Luc Jacquet, was a surprise hit at the time — in the U.S. it grossed over $77 million, more than any of the Academy Award nominees for Best Picture that year — though I bypassed it, I suspect because I’d been bored by a previous French-made documentary about wild birds, Winged Migration. I’d seen Winged Migration at a press screening and reviewed it for Zenger’s Newsmagazine, and I’d written, “[I]t’s just way too much of a good thing. There are shots here of almost unearthly beauty, but, especially in the second half, every flock of winged migrators looks an awful lot like every other flock of winged migrators[1] and only the printed subtitles and the heavily French-accented narration (credited to filmmaker [Jacques] Perrin in the press kit but to someone else on screen) tell us where we are and what sorts of birds we’re watching.” I liked March of the Penguins considerably better than Winged Migration, and I suspect it was because it dealt with only one species of bird and told a continuous story about one particularly dramatic phase of its lifestyle. It did have some of the flaws of “pop” nature documentaries, including the attempt through the writing and editing to create artificial “heroes” and “villains” in nature — in this case the primary villains are seals, seagulls and ducks, who prey on penguins and particularly try to eat the newborn ones who can’t really fight back — and the cutesy-poo narration, delivered in his best éminence noir tones by Morgan Freeman and written by Jordan Roberts. I have a feeling I’d have liked the original French version even less, since according to imdb.com it not only had a third-person human narrator but actually supplied dialogue for the penguins.

I also thought that, as amazing as the shots of the penguins walking across Antarctica to their spawning grounds were (even though I couldn’t help but joke about the sheer amount of trouble and effort penguins have to go through just to get laid!), the true highlights of the film in terms of sheer beauty were the shots of penguins swimming under water and catching and eating the fish they need to survive. (But then, as Charles pointed out to me, the film was not called Swim of the Penguins.) Also on the DVD were a couple of extras about its making, which we bypassed, and two bonus items we did watch: the original theatrical trailer and a 1949 Bugs Bunny short called Eight-Ball Hare in which Bugs has to transport a lost carnival penguin to the South Pole — there were three appearances by a caricature of Humphrey Bogart as he looked in The Treasure of the Sierra Madre, appealing to Bugs with his line from the early part of that film, “Can’t you help out a fellow American who’s down on his luck?” One quirky — and rather jarring — aspect of March of the Penguins was that its opening and closing credits were printed in the same type face as the main credits for the various Law and Order TV shows; another is that there was actually a sequel made in 2017, while shortly after the original was released comedian Stewart Lee came up with a spoof called Farce of the Penguins (which I suspect was just the original March of the Penguins with a new soundtrack and comedy narration dubbed in à la What’s Up, Tiger Lily?). I was also amused that the credited production companies were National Geographic Films, Bonne Pioche (the word “pioche” is French for a pickaxe or a pile of cards, neither of which seems applicable to this film) and something called Wild Bunch — which made me wonder if the film was going to end with some Old West gunmen slaughtering the penguins in slow motion.




[1] — A line I actually ripped off from Allan Sherman’s liner notes to his album with the Boston “Pops” Orchestra: “The end of every symphony sounds like the end of every other symphony, and goes on forever, which is more time than I like to spend in a concert hall.”

Wednesday, June 3, 2020

17 Again (New Line Cinema, Offspring Entertainment, 2009)

by Mark Gabrish Conlan • Copyright © 2020 by Mark Gabrish Conlan • All rights reserved

I ran Charles a movie from our DVD backlog that I picked deliberately as a comic antidote to how dire the news has been lately: 17 Again, a supernatural farce from 2009 starring Zac Efron as a high-school basketball star in 1989, Mike O’Donnell, who walks out of Hayden High’s big game just before it starts to have a discussion with his girlfriend Scarlet (Allison Miller). We’re not told exactly what they’re arguing about, but eventually we get that Scarlet has just got pregnant by Mike, and so he decides to “do the right thing” by walking out of the game and a potential college scholarship, leaving the basketball bouncing around in mid-court as he settles for a “normal” life, marries her and ends up in typical U.S. movie suburban domesticity. The film then flashes forward 20 years, and Mike (Matthew Perry from the cast of the inexplicably long-running TV sitcom Friends — who does not look like Zac Efron could grow up to be him, and frankly I’m not sure it wouldn’t have been more believable if the filmmakers had artificially aged Efron with makeup and/or CGI to play the older version of the character himself) has just lost a double whammy: he’s been passed over for promotion on his job (he’s a salesman for a drug company that has just introduced an erectile dysfunction treatment — there’s a nice little gag at a sales meeting when the staff try to work out a way to convince potential customers that having an erection that lasts four hours or more is a good thing) in favor of a nubile young thing who’s just been there two months (writer Jason Filardi — who’s quite good throughout the movie at hinting at things instead of spelling them out — doesn’t come right out and say that the boss gave her the promotion over Mike because he’s either got into her pants or is hoping to, but it’s pretty obvious) and his wife has decided to divorce him. 

An old Jewish-looking guy turns up as a janitor at Mike’s old high school and introduces himself as Mike’s “spiritual advisor,” and later the old guy jumps off a bridge in a driving rainstorm (Filardi and director Burr Steers — which sounds like the name of a porn performer! — were obviously thinking Frank Capra’s It’s a Wonderful Life here, only with rain instead of snow) and Mike dives in after him, whereupon the old guy turns out to be a supernatural being with the power to revert Mike to his high-school age so he can repeat his senior year (though in 2009, not 1989 — I had expected this movie to be more Back to the Future-ish than it was!) with a different outcome if that’s what he wants. Mike approaches his friend Ned Gold (who appeared in the 1989 framing sequences as the Hayden High School basketball team’s water boy but in the meantime has grown up to be an Internet gazillionaire and an inveterate collector of fantasy-fiction memorabilia in general and props from The Lord of the Rings and Star Wars in particular — Thomas Lennon plays the grown-up incarnation of his character), who agrees to pose as the father of “Mark Gold” to get the newly reverted (and back to being Zac Efron, of course!) Mike O’Donnell into Hayden High. Only during the enrollment process Ned forms an instant crush on the school’s principal, Jane Masterson (a quite nice performance by Melora Hardin), though she puts him off by saying she never dates students’ parents. 

One irony is that “Mark” is attending the same high school as his kids Maggie (Michelle Trachtenberg) and Alex (Sterling Knight), and within the guise of an age-peer he’s still trying to give them fatherly advice — especially when he finds out Maggie is dating the school bully, Stan (Hunter Parrish — whom frankly I found sexier than Zac Efron, but then I found Billy Zane hotter than Leonardo di Caprio when Charles and I saw Titanic and the next day we ran the video of Zane’s superhero film The Phantom just so I could see Zane play a good guy!), even though one of Stan’s principal bullying targets is her brother Alex, whom we first meet after Stan has wrapped him in duct tape and taped him to a toilet in the school restroom and “Mark” has to get him out. There’s a quite nice scene in a sex-ed class in which the teacher states that the official school policy is abstinence — which Mark enthusiastically signs on to, especially since his daughter is in the class — but the teacher says they grudgingly acknowledge that’s not possible given what teenage hormones are, so she passes out a box of condoms to indicate that if they’re going to have sex, they should at least do so safely. “Mark” virtuously refuses the condoms, and he shames most of his classmates into doing so as well, so Stan scoops them up, says “More for me!” and declares that the box ought to last him one weekend. Maggie ultimately breaks up with Stan over his insistence that they have sex when she really doesn’t want to, and she comes on to “Mark” — who’s got the interesting problem of turning her down without telling her the preposterous tale that he’s really her dad, artificially regressed to his own teen days. He hems and haws about why they can’t date, and not surprisingly she thinks he’s trying to tell her he’s Gay. (Wrong, though at least half the Gay guys in the U.S. in 2009 probably wished Zac Efron were Gay!) Meanwhile, “Mark” has worked up into the basketball team — as has Alex — which is still being coached by the same person who did it in 1989 (Jim Gaffigan, who doesn’t look any older except for a bit of a receding hairline) — and writer Filardi works his way up to a parallel ending in which “Mark” once again walks away from the team on the eve of a big game to be with Scarlet (a touching performance by Leslie Mann), as the “spiritual adviser” appears to revert him to middle age. 

Frankly, I was reading so many comparisons to Damn Yankees in this film — also about a middle-aged man who is reverted to his youth by a supernatural force but hangs around his wife because he’s still in love with her even though she’s retained her natural age and therefore looks twice as old as he — I was hoping Filardi would end it the same way: “Mark” plays the big game, is reverted to his true age just before he has to make the game-winning shot for his team, makes the shot anyway and then disappears — but I still liked the movie. Though I said early on I’d probably have liked it better if it had been made as a silent in the 1920’s and Harold Lloyd had been the star, it had a nice charm and was amusing throughout even though only rarely was it out-and-out hilarious. I also liked that Ned Gold and Principal Masterson got together after all, bonding over their mutual appreciation of The Lord of the Rings and even speaking Elvish to each other over a dinner date (though they referred to the language as “Elf”) and ending up together in a preposterous-looking bed that resembles a Corvette car — and there was a nice worm-turning scene in which, to celebrate a win for the basketball team, “Mark” invites all his school friend to a party at his “dad”’s place while Ned and Masterson are on their date, only Ned comes home unexpectedly and, when he can’t get the kids who are playing with all his treasured Star Wars memorabilia to leave, Principal Masterson assumes her tough-disciplinarian role and does it for him. Charles, like me, liked 17 Again better than he’d expected to, and particularly liked the way Zac Efron’s role stretched his talents as an actor instead of just letting his hair, his baby face and his pecs do his acting for him.

Monday, June 1, 2020

My Husband’s Deadly Past, a.k.a. Woman on the Edge (Johnson Production Group, Lifetime, 2020)

by Mark Gabrish Conlan • Copyright © 2020 by Mark Gabrish Conlan • All rights reserved

Last night at 8 p.m. Charles and I watched yet another Lifetime movie, My Husband’s Deadly Past, a really dorky title that misled the audience because, as Charles pointed out after the movie was over, the dark secret in the heroine’s husband’s past was something that happened only a few days previously and was hardly as distant as the term “deadly past” made it seem. The film was shot under the working title Woman on the Edge, which is far more generic (a lot of Lifetime movies could have been called Woman on the Edge!) but also is more evocative and less openly revealing … but that is definitely not Lifetime’s title strategy! Written by Paul A. Burkett — a name I think I’ve seen on Lifetime credits before, but not as ubiquitously as I’ve seen Christine Conradt, Peter Sullivan, J. Bryan Dick, Ken Sanders or Michael Feifer — and directed by Troy Scott, My Husband’s Deadly Past is about a woman named Karen Croft (Sarah Butler, who for some reason is relegated to the “Other Cast” section on imdb.com even though she’s playing the lead!) and her husband, famous psychotherapist Dr. Otto Croft (Peter Benson), who specializes in hypnosis as a therapy to treat alcoholism and drug addiction. When the movie begins Karen Croft is convinced she murdered a local college student named Gina Navarro (Kimi Alexander — yes, this is another Lifetime movie in which a character is dead at the outset but is seen so often during flashbacks they needed someone to play her), and every so often she sees people either on the street or at work (she’s a certified public accountant for a company called International Creatives) who resemble Gina.

The sight freaks her out every time and causes her to blow off a meeting at her job with her boss — a ferocious heavy-set blonde woman named Doreen (Deborah Finkel) — and an Asian investor whom Doreen is hoping to bring into the firm as an investor and partner because it’s about to go under unless she finds new capital somewhere. Karen sees a woman in the office who looks like Gina, gets sick and leaves the meeting, the Asian investor pulls out and Doreen sends Karen a text message reading, “I hope you’re feeling better, because you’re fired.” The next time we see Karen she’s on top of a dam (this is in Seattle, Washington, though I suspect the locale was chosen so it could be filmed across the border in Canada), walking uncertainly on its ledge, seemingly about to commit suicide, when she’s rescued by E.R. Dr. Hugh Gossett (Brendon Zub), who looks enough like Peter Benson (only with a fuller beard) that at first I thought they were the same man — he’d just gone to wearing a less prominent beard — and this was a flashback showing how Otto and Karen first met. Actually the Crofts have been together long enough they have a teenage daughter, Jordan (Maddy Hillis), and she has a best friend named Ruth (Karis Cameron) who in some ways is the most interesting character in the movie. Ruth is a large, voluptuous blonde, reminiscent at least physically of Marilyn Monroe (who if she were alive today would no doubt be told by casting directors to slim herself down to the approximate dimensions of an Auschwitz survivor if she hoped to get parts!), tall and dressed by costume designer Cassandra Shier in all her scenes in skin-tight blue jeans that do an excellent job of showing off her, shall we say, womanly charms. (I was finding her sexy — and I’m Gay!) Though Birkett’s script gives her precious little to do, Ruth is in way over her head sexually; though she insists she’s 18 and therefore within the age of consent, she acknowledges to Jordan that boys her own age do nothing for her and she wants a “more mature man — like your dad!”

Not surprisingly, it turns out that Ruth is having an affair with Jordan’s dad — as, we eventually learn, was the mysterious Gina Navarro until Karen caught her and Otto in flagrante delicto. Otto’s response to this was [spoiler alert!] to kill Gina himself, then hypnotize his wife into thinking she did it and planting evidence to frame her. He also hypnotized her to jump off that dam and kill herself so the cops would assume she killed Gina and then took her own life out of guilt — only that damned E.R. doc saved her and the two of them team up to prove her innocence so Otto can get what’s coming for him and Hugh and Karen can get together (which they do surprisingly quickly even for a Lifetime script). They end up as fugitives from justice — probably the most unlikely such pair since the probation officer and the parolee he fell in love with in Douglas Sirk’s Shockproof — though at one point they joke to each other, “Being Bonnie and Clyde isn’t as much fun as they male it look in the movies.” (Given that Bonnie Parker and Clyde Barrow both died at the end, in real life and in the movie, it wasn’t that much fun for them, either.) Fortunately the Seattle police detective in charge of the case, Chandra (Lucia Walters), starts piecing things together and realizes the husband is the real killer, and the climax takes place at Dr. Croft’s home. He’s decided to hypnotize his daughter Jordan to kill Hugh (who’s come out to the house with Karen) and then herself, but Ruth (ya remember Ruth?) picks that moment to come to her lover’s home, sees Otto hypnotizing Jordan and gets cold-cocked with the butt of Otto’s gun to shut her up, after which Otto decides to add Ruth to the list of people he’s going to tell his daughter to kill. (Throughout the hypnotic suggestion Otto insists to his daughter that she’s not really harming anyone since the gun is loaded with blanks — even though we know the shells are live.) Detective Chandra shows up in the nick of time and takes Otto, Karen and Jordan in custody, after calling for an ambulance for Hugh, who was merely wounded, not killed, by Jordan’s shot.

The finale shows Karen, Hugh and Jordan together en famille, though a) one has to wonder what there is about Karen that has such a “thing” for doctors — especially tall, lanky, sandy-haired doctors — and b) whether Hugh will prove to be just as much of a rotter as Otto (who was arrested alive and we’re told is in jail — fortunately Birkett and director Scott spared us the tag scene I was dreading in which Otto would start hypnotizing people in prison and ultimately use his hypnotic power to get one or more of the guards to help him escape) and will start playing around on her and knocking off his paramours if she catches him with them. My Husband’s Deadly Past would have lived up to its title more if the script had portrayed Dr. Otto Croft as a serial killer who’s done this sort of thing often — not only murdering an inconvenient alternate girlfriend but using his hypnotic skills to set up someone else to take the fall — and it also suffered from the usual flaw of movies about hypnosis: it makes the hypnotist’s power over his subjects seem far greater than it is in real life. Still, it was a nice bit of good clean dirty fun in the best Lifetime manner; while it didn’t transcend the Lifetime formulae the way the really good Lifetime movies like Restless Virgins or The Bride He Bought Online have, it did play around with them in neat and engaging ways.